When the Tattoo Shop is Closed but You Are Too Drunk to Go Home

Written by Rolf

We have all been there: getting wasted at a party with friends, playing drinking games, challenging each other to perform retarded stunts and when the neighbours complain and the police crashes the party, you are still too drunk to waste the alcohol by sleeping it off. So you decide to get a souvenir, something to never forget just how much fun you had.

Of the people that attended these gatherings, some just pass out on the way, some manage to get home but a lucky few are sober enough to go shopping for memorabilia. Popular keepsakes to get are traffic signs, more drinks at the local pub, embarassing pictures on Facebook, a T-shirt that says "I was in a souvenir shop but all I got was this lousy T-shirt" and of course tattoos. But there comes a time that you have run out of odd places for a tattoo.

So here you are, standing in the newly opened clinic for body modification with a pocket full of money and your veins full of alcohol. You want to remember this awesome day forever but you can think clearly enough to realize you don't want to regret the treatment you are about to undergo. You don't want to get anything silly and be the laughing stock of the office, no!, you want to be innovative and possibly even get something useful, so what do you order? Some suggestions.

10. Scarification

It's like a monochrome tattoo for people that are allergic to ink or scared of needles. Added bonus is that it will be slighty 3D when it is all healed (healed is a relative term).

9. Sub-skin implants

These implants in various happy decorative shapes can act as padding when you go BMX-cycling.

8. Orc teeth

Very situational, but you'll be recognized immediately on your guild meetings. After all, you play an orc shaman.

7. Corset

Very sexy, but only if you are a girl, are these lacings to hold together your invisible corset. You need to have somewhat of an hourglass figure to pull this off, or this might look a bit silly to the point of repulsive.

6. Implants

In any kind of weather, these implants will keep your hat or mohawk in place. Pull them out before going to bed, though, or you'll wake up covered in feathers.

5. Lip window

Very innovative and most spectacular is this lip window. If you leave it open, you can spit at people without opening your mouth. Or perhaps the spittle would just dribble out down your chin.

4. Nostril window

Although it might be counterproductive during a cold, this is very easy to maintain. You can blow your nose in a microsecond or you could literally pick your nose with a spoon.

3. Filed teeth

Great to tear apart dead animals and rip the raw meat off the carcasses. Vegetarians: slaughter those spinach leaves and make funky lines along your cucumber.

2. Magnet implants

If coins were made of iron, you could get rich by skillfully maneuvering your fingers along slot machines or parking meters. Unfortunately they're not but I'm sure you can find another use for the implants. Like opening the refrigerator without touching the handle.

1. Split tongue

This is a classic and it is easy to see why. Need I say more, ladies? And with practise, this split tongue lets you whistle two different tunes simultaneously.