I Came Out of the Shower, Slipped and Fell on this Foreign Object

Submitted by Rolf - Tue, 1 Sep 2009

I found this old news article about an adventurous gerbil while searching for inspiration for this blog. Unfortunately it is not true, but there are enough people out there with the appropriate combination of short-sighted stupidity and creative autoeroticism to make it sufficiently credible.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital pokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

I will now list several X-ray images of foreign objects that were inserted in people's backsides with varying degrees of intention. Let these serve as a warning. Or inspiration. Whichever.


Bottle - spun out of control


Cell Phone - hope it's on vibrate


Dentures - left after a lemon party


Hand Gun - now that's a concealed weapon


Hammerheads - the cameltoe says she's female


Coffee Jar - decaf is for pussies


Knife - misunderstood spooning.. even got the utensil wrong


Light Bulb - something about a dark place.. or LEDs being smaller


Live Shell - for an explosive experience


Spraycan - Banksy is that you?

If you have already tried all of these, here is another list of objects recovered from the anal cavity, per category:

Class and Ceramic: bottle, jar, bottle with attached rope, glass, cup, light bulb, tube.
Food: apple, banana, carrot, cucumber, onion, parsnip, peanuts, plantain, potato, salami, turnip, zucchini.
Kitchen Device: knife, ice pick, knife sharpener, mortar pestle, spatula, spoon, tin cup.
Misc Tools: candle, curling iron, flash light, iron rod, pen, rubber tube, screwdriver, tooth brush, wire spring, axe handle, stick, broom handle, piece of wood.
Sports Attributes: baseball, tennis ball, pool ball.
Containers: baby powder can, candle box, shampoo bottle, snuff box.
Miscellaneous: inflated balloon, bottle cap, cattle horn, gold chain, frozen pig's tail, plastic rod, stone, tooth brush holder, tooth brush package, whip handle, glass tube, jeweler's saw, umbrella handle, enema tubing, soap bars, spectacles, suitcase key, tobacco pouch, magazine.

If that still doesn't do it for you, have a look around the house or go shopping. Above all, be creative, be safe, be rare and have fun!

Usually, this is where I would invite you to share your funnest moments. But please, don't send actual photographs; only send your x-ray pictures because you never know what time of day I open my mail. Alternatively you could share your story below with everyone.